You only really get to know someone when they're down...

And in this case that person is me. Back again, not due to any popular demand...or even any demand at all.

Just read my own blog from the past 5 years...holy crap it's really been that long. And it's a lot more amusing backwards than forwards. I also find that the idea of cyclical time oft referred to in Buddhist literature applies here. I literally could take some of these posts and put them here now. Which is sad because it denotes a lack of forward progress.

What has changed? No longer a resident. I was an attending...albeit briefly. Being demoted back to fellow in a few weeks time.

Back in the lab...and frankly hating it. Surprise surprise...or I guess not to anyone who read this blog but me. I can't believe I fell for it a 2nd time...the lure of academia...and gene hunting. WTF. I NEVER LEARN. THE PAIN...THE UNDENIABLE PAIN AND UNENDING DISAPPOINTMENT OF RESEARCH.

Why do they call it re-search? Because you do it again...and again...and again...

I'm not quite sure how I'm doing to do this. In the next 2 weeks, I have to accomplish the following:

1) Write a review paper on personalized medicine and cardiovascular disease for publication

2) Finish a meta-analysis of publicly avaliable gene expression data for heart failure phenotypes and write it up (for a class)

3) Learn calculus again so I will not fail a statistics course. Which I hate.

4) Then actually try to learn probability theory for said statistics course. Which I should have done a while ago but the teacher really really really sucks. I want my money back from Stanford. Seriously, I think every college kid out there is getting duped (or at least their parents are) because the quality of teaching at major universities in America seems to be quite dubious.

5) Re-do a complete analysis of 6 exomes for this failed study. And hope maybe something will have changed from the last time I analyzed this family to make it work. Which is probably a bad idea. What was that saying? Foolishness is doing something over in the exact same way and expecting a different result. Except you know we learned in STATS 116 that this thing would be called a Bernoulli trial. And you can get a different outcome. And the distribution of those many trials follows a Binomial distribution (if the outcome is binomial that is). So actually you can get a different outcome. Wait what? I hate statistics / probability.

FML. If I survive the next 2 weeks and actually manage to finish all this shit it will be a miracle. But by then I will be in Hawaii, so hopefully I will not have to care if I'm going to be a big fat failure. At least for 1 week.

I don't know why I bother anymore...

Not many people read this thing except for me, and for you. And hoofhartid (thank you for your prayers).

I am so jaded right now its ridiculous. I realized something over the past few months (which have been the most difficult months of my life I think.). I've been betrayed, lied to or misled, dragged along, criticized, abused, worked to death, and crushed by this world. I've worked really hard at what I thought was important only to realize now that nobody cared all along, or at least didn't think my efforts were at all in any way, shape, fashion, or, form worth rewarding. And some of the things I treasured the most in this world have been taken away from me, or revealed to be tarnished and cold. Friendships that I thought were solid have been revealed to be so fragile that a single night's events has ripped them to shreds. Everyday I see more of the backs of people than I do their faces, and it makes me really really really angry. I'm sick and tired of being ignored and being considered an afterthought. I've learned that nobody is really looking out for me, or supporting me, except me.

I hate this place, but unfortunately no option for leaving presents itself easily. I am nothing but a scutmonkey to these people. To hell with them all.

What the hell?

I honestly wonder if there is something about the way I'm walking or talking lately....because today I counted no less than 5 people who've come up to me and in some way or another made a comment about my personal life and stated in no uncertain terms that I need to be getting a move on socially...i.e. finding an SO.

Details:

#1 + #2 ) At brunch with two friends

#3) friend on the cell phone

#4) another  friend on the cell phone 1 hour later

#5) apartment complex manager - very random actually. His exact words were (to me while I was carrying my laundry back from the machine): "Steve, we need to get you a squeeze to do that for you!"

It took me a little while to understand what he was saying...but of course he's an older retired white guy, and a veteran, so of course he's going to be a little sexist.

Makes me feel old...and just a little bit worried, since everyone seems to be thinking the same thing about me.

Wow what a difference a half-year makes...

So Derek is keeping his alive...sorta. I haven't seen a peep from his xanga since he tried his revival.

Just read the last entry, kind of crazy how long its been. Feels like forever but its really been only what, 6-8 months? Now a real resident but not feeling like one. Maybe that will change once I'm done with this ICU month.

Friends come and go though...like the tide. Only the really good ones stick around, the rest well they drop off along the way like dust off a car. And sometimes you need a car wash to feel clean again, but then you miss the dirt.

This song came on the radio today...the Johnny Cash version. So good.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

After which the radio announcer said: "Ok now don't be all depressed, its beautiful outside and Sublime is on the radio!"

After which they played a great Sublime song. And it really was beautiful outside. Makes me wish my peeps were around to play a game of baseball like back in med school.

Another year, another birthday, another wedding...

Time passes quickly when you don't have very much of it. Seems like only yesterday that I was interviewing here and now we're more than a third of the way into internship (sometimes I think it should be more, sometimes less).

Went to a co-intern's wedding last night. It was very nice of her to invite us despite knowing some of us only a few months. It was great fun but I swear at one point there were grandparents up there dancing who put me to shame. Heh. Tired all the time I guess. I got the reprimand again for not hitting on every single woman in the room, but hey...I figure as long as there is another single guy in the room I can let him fill that role. There may be a time when I'm the last and then I shall step up  =P

Nothing worse than being on call on your birthday...

The nurses seemed to be especially retarded that night. I ordered someone for protonix by mouth, and the nurse gave it IV. I didn't even realize what she was doing until it was over. And then later I'm by the front desk and the nurse says to the desk clerk:

Nurse: "Oh my gosh, you told me the protonix was IV!"

Desk clerk: "No I didn't, I told you it was PO [by mouth]!"

Nurse: "Well, I already gave it IV."

Desk clerk (now to me): "Doctor, I need an order for IV protonix."

Up to this point, I really couldn't care less about the protonix being given IV, it still does the same thing. And I really didn't care that the nurse made that mistake because nobody got hurt. But NOW to tell me that I have to write an order to make it LOOK like I wanted it to be given by IV instead of PO just so the nurse doesn't get in trouble got me really pissed off. But it was freaking 3 AM and I didn't want to get into an argument.

So I wrote the order. And then dropped the chart in front of the desk clerk...like literally dropped it in front of her stupid face.

At which point both the desk clerk and nurse threw a fit.

"OH THAT'S REAL CHARMING! DOCTOR THAT'S NOT VERY NICE AT ALL!!!"

At which point I just walked away. I did what they wanted, they weren't going to get in trouble, and they were still angry with me. Fuck them.

Yeah, and the next morning they went to my attending and said I was out of control, and that they wanted an apology. And my attending comes to me to ask me to just give them one.

I never did. I am sorry for writing that order because that's not an order that was indicated, and because it was to cover up a mistake that someone made. But I sure as hell am not sorry to a desk clerk and a nurse who are angry at me for being upset that they were asking me to do something to cover up for their neglect.

This is not a tirade against all nurses. There are good ones, bad ones, and fantastic ones. I just wish there were more fantastic ones who actually cared more about doing a good job more than just covering their asses. The same could be said about some doctors as well.

What a way to turn 27. I'm on call tonight again =(. And don't even get me started on my attending...